Author: Hannahbee
Disclaimer: Ats and BtVS belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, Sandollar Productions, etc. You know how it goes.
Rating: NC-17
Pairing: B/A
Distribution: Denial Haven.
Summary: Buffy loses Angel, her child and her life, but she's given another chance. Back from the dead she faces the familiar cravings and pains of pregnancy. Problem is she 's not pregnant at all. Will she still find happiness?
Note: This is a missing scenes/ re-write piece. If you recognize anything from the show(s), it was done on purpose. If you don't, it was done on purpose, too. *gg*
Dedication: To Sarah- thank you so much for the help and get well soon. I can't stand to see you like this. Chris- you know why. *evilgrin* To Lucey- welcome to our little circle! I can't wait to read Memories! To Netti- you're a bad, bad girl. I know you do the beta-job on Lucey's new fic. So why don't you want to tell me about it? *growl* To Ariana and all the B/A-shippers.
Feedback/constructive criticism: Yes, please.
I'm really good at keeping secrets. Hell, I'm a pro. Maybe even better than Angel. Or at least just as good. And I'm not talking about the things I kept from my mother. She didn't know anything about me. She didn't want to. Not then. I'm talking about the secrets I kept- still keep- from my friends: Willow, Xander and Giles. The only ones- besides Angel- I should trust in, I should talk to.
I think it all started on my 17th birthday when I made Angel lose his soul. With him gone I retreated back into myself. Because the one I always confided in was not with me anymore.
My friends thought I couldn't kill him because he wore my lover's face. Oh, they were so wrong. It had nothing to do with his face. It's all about the eyes. Back then, they held no love for me anymore. They were empty and to me he didn't look like Angel anymore. He was a completely different man. A stranger some masochistic part of me was dangerously attracted to. I thought I was- I think I still am- totally insane having feelings for such an insensitive and callous beast, a murderer. But he was more than that and I would soon find out.
In time I learned to read his eyes. I was shocked. They were not empty. Not nearly. They spoke of passion, hunger, obsession and frustration. All because of me. All for me. And that little part of me that had the hots for him grew constantly, nursing on each and every new feeling I could evoke in him.
That's why I couldn't kill him. That's why I didn't tell them.
But one secret was not enough for me. No. I had to have more.
When I was in hospital because of that damn flu, they had a little surprise for me. Well, actually two. One- Angel had been there and I hadn't even noticed! None of my friends had told me!
But a nurse did: "Your dark-haired friend was here last night."
"Xander? I know", I replied.
"No, the young man who's always with you."
Oh my God! I was speechless and terribly scared. Images of what he could have done to me while I was so weak flashed through my head. The nurse put a stop to that.
"He had white roses for you", she gushed.
"It wasn't Angel", I told her sadly.
She looked at me as if I was out of my mind.
"But he…"
I interrupted her. "That wasn't Angel. Angel's gone." Then I grabbed her hand. "Don't let him in. Don't trust him", I pleaded with her.
She nodded and I let her go. I think I scared her for life and I can't really blame her for it. Angel still looked like Angel- except for the leather pants and his cocky grin- and all the nurses knew who we were, what we looked like.
Angel once stormed in here with me in his arms when he couldn't tend to my wounds without the proper medical knowledge. We had to wait for a while and I sat comfortably in his lap, only half conscious. But he was frantic. He kept checking my wounds, stroking my hair and from time to time he planted a kiss on my forehead to soothe me. I was so content.
It was the first time he displayed his feelings and worries about me outside my circle of friends. The Bronze doesn't count. It's just too dark to be public. Apart from that everyone in there is just to busy with PDA to notice Angel opening up.
It was the first time we met Dr. Callaghan who took one look at me and said she wouldn't charge us. She just wanted us to come back to her the next time something like this happened. I think she knows what's going on in Sunnydale. But she didn't ask any questions. I liked that.
But I didn't like the nurses. They talked. Not loud enough for anyone to hear, but we heard it anyway. They thought Angel had beaten me up and now played the concerned, guilt-ridden boyfriend. I wanted to laugh. Angel didn't. He was so damn angry I could feel his rage radiating off him in waves. He was about to tear this place down and for a moment I honestly thought about chaining him up. Instead I took his face into my hands.
"Angel!" I whispered.
He didn't react. His eyes kept searching for the nurses that had wronged him. When he found them he growled deep in his chest.
"Angel! Look at me!" I said a little louder, a little more urgent.
His golden eyes finally focused on me.
"They're not worth it, Angel. I know you would never hurt me."
He calmed and I looked into his deep chocolate eyes again. It made me smile. We left hand in hand and I trustingly leaned against him while we were walking. We must have made a picture. Because from then on they respected us, greeted us warmly and were forthcoming.
They called us the little one and her friend. I think they knew we were together, a couple, lovers- we're more than that, there's just no word that can truly express that thing between us- but they always referred to him as my friend. They probably thought Angel was his nickname and didn't dare to use it.
"Your friend was here. Badly injured." They would inform me. "Make sure he's careful, will you?"
It was sweet. It meant they cared for us, they liked us. Especially Angel. I can't blame them. He has this mysterious- guy- image working for him. That and he's caring, he's loving, he's gorgeous, he's… All I ever wanted. All I ever need. Even though he thinks he can't be my all, he can't give me everything.
At least, he was partly wrong. Surprise number two: I was pregnant! And on top of that by my vampire! I couldn't believe it. I didn't even dare to hope. God, it would have been so wonderful. But all I knew was that something like that was impossible. So I did my research- secretly of course.
Every source confirmed vampires couldn't have kids. Ever. Hell, even Giles and Angel had told me so and they are the knowledge-guys. So I started to pay more attention to my body.
I was a wreck, emotionally and physically. First I thought it was because of Angelus, but my period was long overdue and the throwing up got out of hand- not only in the morning. Hell, my whole body was in utter chaos. I still wonder how I could hide it from my friends. I guess I shouldn't have underestimated the power of denial.
Finally I went to see Dr. Callaghan because she was the only one I really trusted. She, too, confirmed that I was pregnant. But she was the first that congratulated me. I was so happy.
Once I told Angel I didn't want to have children, maybe later when I was done having a life. I meant it. If he couldn't father my children, why bother at all? But now I was going to have his child. I had lost Angel, but I would keep a part of him with me! God, I loved our child. My little angel.
But I hadn't counted on Angelus going insane.
Everything had gone rather smoothly with him. Not even the kiss, the night we were both possessed, changed his don't-kill-the-slayer-policy. But I had seen the fear in his eyes. It irritated me. He couldn't possibly be afraid of me? Most importantly why? And then I got scared. Did he know about the child? Would he take it away from me? Would he kill it?
I didn't have to wait long for my answers. His fear turned into anger and he wanted to suck the world into hell because I wouldn't let him shag me, as Spike so mildly put it.
God, he wanted to hurt my baby and me. No way was I going to let him do this. He may- physically- be the father of my child, but I sure wouldn't let him kill it. So I went out to kill him, just to have Angel returned to me the last moment. I wanted to tell him so badly that he was going to be a daddy, but it was too late. The vortex had already opened and I had to sacrifice him.
I thought this would be the hardest part. It was nothing compared to the look in his eyes when he was sucked into the vortex. I think in this very second he understood. He knew about our child. We never talked about it afterwards. It was just too painful. I had not only lost my love that day. I had lost our baby, too.
Dedicated to: The circle, especially Sarah- thank you. *bighug* To Lucey- please keep writing, I want to read Memories 2. To Inquisitive1 and Jade - thank you so much for the feedback.
Feedback: Yes, please.
Part 2
My Angel returned and I truly believed we could make it work again. We couldn't because he still wasn't allowed to be perfectly happy. Making love to me would do that, he'd said. So we didn't do it. First we could live with it. Then I began to worry.
If he knew we couldn't make love anymore, wouldn't he be happy with less? And what was this less? Me saying 'I love you'? A touch? A smile? A simple kiss? A comforting hug? I drove myself so crazy with that question I often lay awake all night thinking about it.
It was not just ok anymore that we couldn't do what we used to. It became frustrating. Because we couldn't let ourselves go. And after all we had been through that was exactly what we both so desperately needed.
And if this wasn't enough already, the Faith-incident and the mayor's little speech- about watching your lover die- did a pretty good number on our too fragile relationship, too.
In the end he broke up with me. In a sewer of all places! I was so hurt, so mad at him, so angry that all the reasons he told me why he had to leave were just lame excuses in my eyes. I thought he didn't love me anymore.
True, he couldn't take me into the sun, but I had friends who could do that. Was it about him keeping me in the darkness? He never did that. My life consists of light and dark. That would never change and he didn't have anything to do with it. He knew it and I knew it. So what was this shit all about?
He wanted me to find someone who could make love to me. Who cares? There are ways around it without getting him perfectly happy. And as far as I can see it's not the sex that makes him lose his soul. It's the feeling of being one with your soul mate, the feeling of utter contentment. We just have to avoid it. No problem, we did it before.
And then he told me he couldn't give me children. I thought I'd die. We both knew he could. He had done it once. He could probably do it again. Thanks to today's medicine we wouldn't even have to make love and therefore wouldn't risk his soul to get me pregnant.
But I didn't tell him that. I told him I understood. I didn't. Not then.
When Faith poisoned him all the rage and anger I held against him disappeared in an instant. All I could think about was: Don't die! Don't die! Don't die!
I realized it was better to have him living somewhere else without me- although I still didn't like it- than watching him die. I would have never gotten over it. I would have died along with him.
Isn't it ironic that the only cure for Angel was slayer's blood?
Oh, Faith would pay for what she had done to us. Finally. A life for a life. Well, it didn't work out like I planned. I killed Faith and I wasn't sorry. All in all it was her fault, too, that Angel had broken up with me.
So I went back to Angel's to force him to drink me. And just like I expected he fought me vehemently, but he couldn't resist either. It was… I still don't have the words to describe it and mind-blowing just doesn't cover it. It was beyond that and beyond completion. Mixed with sensuality and sex. I had no idea it could be like that!
I briefly wondered if it always happened. Was this the reason it was so easy for vampires to find their prey? Or was it just Angel who wanted me to enjoy it? Rubbing his hardness against my heat? Making me so wet and arousing me so intensely, holding me so possessive it felt like he was claiming me. God, how much I wanted it. But I was too weak to express my wish. I thought I'd loose consciousness before I would come.
Fortunately, I came and then lost consciousness. No one would believe how many cold showers I had to take because of this particular memory.
Anyway Angel helped me during the Mayor's ascension. I relished that I had killed the mayor- the other person who was to blame for our break-up.
I walked around, searching for Angel so I could give him the good news. When I found him- Or did he find me?- he had a strange look in his eyes: sad, hurt, sorry, and determined. He told me without words he didn't want to go, but he would do it nevertheless. The blood inside me- hell, my whole body- screamed for him, but he ignored it.
I really thought I could make him stay. After all he had drunk my blood. Somehow it should have bound him to me, right? No such thing for Buffy.
So I spent my summer in misery, missing him and thinking about what he had said. Long and hard. That's when realization hit. Oh boy, I was so wrong to think he didn't love me anymore. It was the complete opposite.
We both don't like to hear the truth when we're wrong. So he disguised the truth. And between those lines of lame excuses I read all about the love he had for me. Finally I came to understand why he had to leave.
He wanted to make love to me so badly, he wanted to be perfectly happy and content again. And with me- temptation- in the picture it wouldn't take long until he lost his soul again. He knew he couldn't control himself around me anymore. To tell the truth I was almost out of my control, too.
But let's just pretend we didn't give into our desires. Then me giving birth to his child- or children-, even if we hadn't created it- them- together physically, would probably give him a perfect happy. That's why he couldn't give me children. That's why I had to let him go.
So I did what he wanted me to do. I tried to live a normal life. No surprise, it didn't work out. How could it when he was no longer by my side?
***
We've only seen each other four times since he left me. I like to pretend the second time didn't happen at all. I'd rather remember the last time we met. It was the night of my mother's funeral. God, I was so happy, so grateful he was there with me. Otherwise I wouldn't have made it through the night.
We hadn't seen each other in months, but it felt like we'd never been apart. The bond between us was as strong as ever. Maybe even stronger. I didn't pay much attention then. I was too wrapped up in pain and grief.
It's amazing how he can soothe it all by just being near me, holding me. God, how does he do that? Does he feel what I want to hear? Does he feel what to do? It still leaves me speechless. At least for a while.
That night I needed him so badly. I needed him to kiss me. And he did. God, I thought I was needy! But he… God! What had happened to him to lose control like that? Knowing it was too dangerous? I was afraid to ask, but I did it anyway.
Ok, I admit, I waited several minutes.
"It doesn't matter anymore, Buffy", he told me.
I gave him my come-on-Angel-talk-to-me look.
"Something really bad happened and I fired my friends", he confessed.
Probably because it was too dangerous for them.
"Now we're reconciling." He swallowed. "Wes is the boss. I work for him", he added quietly.
This time I took him into my arms, stroked the hair at the back of his neck and planted a kiss on his nose. He pulled me closer and smiled contentedly. Not in a perfectly happy way! But that smile… I thought I'd cry any minute. It had been months- years?- since he had smiled like that and I was so overjoyed I still could cause something so beautiful in him.
"You hate it, don't you?" I asked.
"Yes!" He said a little too eager and quickly put that unreadable look on his face.
I kissed his lips tenderly and pulled back a little to look into his eyes. "I understand."
Who could better? We're both warriors. No, let me put it simpler. We're both alphas. We don't like to submit to someone else. It's not in our nature. We're used to giving orders, being the leader, not the lapdog of someone else who's not nearly an equal when it comes to strength, fighting, hunting… and so on.
I know every cell in his body is reluctant to the degradation he damned himself to. But what else can he do to gain their trust again? He needs a tie to humanity, people that make him feel, people he cares for, people who care for him. I can't be that tie. Not now. Maybe someday soon when we find a cure. Until then it has to be them.
"If you need to rant, you can call me anytime", I offered.
"I love you, Buffy."
"Love you, too, Angel."
***
I was so content that night, at peace with myself and everything that had happened between us. I whished, he could have stayed, but the perfect- happiness-issue still hung like a cloud above our heads. It was too dangerous, but I revelled in the fact that the passion, our bond and our understanding of each other had grown much stronger. It made me believe it would never die.
So I made up mind. I'd finish that Glory-mess and then I'd dedicate my life not only to slaying and Dawn. No, I'd search for a soul-binding spell. I'd ask Willow and Tara to help me and everything would turn out all right.
No surprise there, it didn't go like I planned. What happened to lucky me? Or should I say who happened? Glory did. She found out who the key was. I really didn't know what to do. She was a goddess and I couldn't fight her. The only chance we had was to escape.
I tried to call Angel. Several times. But he wasn't there. Nobody was there and I didn't have much time to think about the whys because we had to take off. And that's when I ran out of luck.
Glory finally managed to kidnap my sister. She wanted to open a portal with Dawn's blood, my blood. I was shattered and it took some time before I was back in the game.
But this time I swore to myself I wouldn't sacrifice someone else I love. No, not again. So I jumped myself, closed the portal with my blood- Dawn's blood.
Warning: deals with suicide
Dedicated to: Sarah- you're a honey. *bighug* Don't let that bastard bring you down! Or should I hunt him down? *evilgrin* As always to the circle - you're really a bunch of crazy vixens, just the way I like it. *grin* kLyn, Danielle and all the others who sent me feedback so far-thank you so much and I hope you like this part, too.
Feedback: Yes, please.
Part 3
They say you see your life flashing before your eyes when you die. I didn't. I realised I was pregnant. Just fucking great! Again I sacrificed someone else. I sacrificed my unborn child. I killed my baby. No words can express what I felt that very moment. And horrible just doesn't cover it. I hated myself with passion.
And I really, really hate epiphanies.
Wait! How come I was pregnant? Riley had been gone for months and I hadn't slept with anybody else since then. Plus, I wasn't even beginning to show and the morning sickness that normally- for me anyway- lasted all day had only started a week or maybe two before I jumped. Was I imagining things?
I tried to remember my last period. But I couldn't. To tell the truth I have never written it down. I didn't have to because days like these Angel normally avoided me, but all the other vampires seemed much more eager than usual to get a taste of my blood. Can I just say eww! How can something so gross turn vampires so on?
Anyway, this time I couldn't even count on that. Glory had scared them all away from me. So, this wouldn't help me either and I didn't think they'd have a pregnancy test wherever I would end up.
I don't remember much what happened while I was dead. Except that I had been perfectly happy, complete and I had met my child. Yes, my child. My son. He said, he loved me, but I had to go. I cried like a baby, begging him to not push me away. But he promised we'd meet again.
The next thing I know I woke up in a coffin and clawed my way out of it. Straight into hell. Correction, my old life. Spike told me how long I had been gone and then my so-called friends came storming in.
Willow was so proud she'd gotten me out of hell. I wanted to slap, stab, torture and kill her for ripping me out of heaven. At least, I think it was heaven. But where else would you see your unborn child?
But I didn't kill her and I didn't tell her- them- where I'd been. I was too numb because I realised my baby wasn't with me anymore. And my mind was in total panic.
I had read all about being pregnant. I should show by now! Spike should hear its heartbeat! I should feel him kicking! I should… and then it came rushing back.
"I love you, mommy", my son had said. "You have to go."
How silly of me to think they would let me keep my child! How foolish of me! They had already taken so much from me, why stop now? I wanted to cry so badly, but I couldn't. Not in front of them. So I fled to my room. Ok, I didn't actually run- how could I when I was so numb and hurt all over?- but I excused myself.
I sat down on my bed, sobbing earnestly, and then I laid down in fetal position, crying my heart out. I lost another baby. And this time it was much harder to get through the pain. Not just because it was my second, no, because I had met him, we had formed a bond.
True, I didn't know where he came from and how I got pregnant. It didn't matter. Because I loved… love him and he loved me. But I wouldn't have that there.
So, why the hell should I stay? Because of Angel? He had been taken away from me a long time ago.
I went to my weapon's chest, rummaged about it until I found the knife I had been looking for. I made a long cut along the insides of my arms, watching the blood flow out. It looked kind of pretty. No wonder vampires craved it so much. So thick, and red, and living. It's one of the most amazing things I've ever seen. It made such beautiful dots on my carpet and it looked really funny. I laughed. It was so exhausting I lost consciousness.
When I woke up I wasn't in heaven or with my son. I was in hospital. You can imagine how disappointed I was. As it turned out Spike had smelled my blood, looked for me and called an ambulance when he found me half-dead. Damn, I should have remembered his advanced smell. And damn him even more! Why couldn't he just drain me? After all he is a vampire and I was half- dead! Fuck the chip!
Looking at their worried and disappointed faces I thought it couldn't get any worse. Well, you can always count on Anya to make you feel more miserable.
"Why did you try to kill yourself? We just got you out of hell! Do you love pain?" She asked bluntly.
Xander didn't even try to hush her. I guess my so-called friends wanted to know and only Anya had the guts- or less tact- to ask. I ignored them. But they weren't the last ones on the list. The hospital shrink wanted to know, too. But I gotta say he was much more sensitive when asking. So I told him what he wanted to hear and what would get me out of there as fast as possible.
That and the fact that my scars are almost healed convinced him I didn't really try hard to die, that my suicide attempt was just a cry for help. I agreed to meet him again the following week and he released me.
Yay me, I'm not only good at keeping secrets, I'm a great liar, too. Somehow it seems a little sad to me that this nice doc is never going to see me again 'cause I've already planned my next suicide.
Damn, I hadn't counted on the friends- I still can't call them my friends- to watch me like hawks. They never leave me alone. Damn it! If they would just let me patrol, I would sure find a vampire who is willing to kill me.
I guess I have to do it in the house again. I'll lock myself up in my room or the bathroom- that's a classic- when Spike isn't around. He's too strong. But all the others will take a while to get it opened and that will buy me enough time to finish what I started. Maybe I should cut my thro…
The phone rings and I snap out of my thoughts. I go into the kitchen and answer with a 'hello'.
"Buffy?" *He* asks, not sure if it's really me.
"Angel." My voice is full of longing. I wonder if he heard it.
"I need to see you…"
Obviously. I don't let him finish. "Now, I know."
I'm really an Angel addict. So we meet right after the his call. Halfway between Sunnydale and LA.
***
It ended sadly, no surprise there. Perfect happiness is still an issue between us, but I made him promise he'd return to me the minute one of us finds a cure. Until then no contact, for it would surely weaken my resolve not to take him, to make him lose his soul. I knew I'd never be able to stop myself again. Because he was as close to heaven as I could ever get for a while. And I desperately needed to feel like heaven again.
We didn't touch, just talked, three feet separating us. But the air between us still crackled with passion and need, wanting to be unleashed, to work its will and to hell with consequences. I was tempted. And judging by the look in his eyes he was, too. We definitely needed a neutral topic to talk about, but the only thing that came to my mind was my son. And I couldn't tell Angel that. I didn't want to hurt him. Never wanted to.
So we said our goodbyes and I cried the whole way back ho… to my house. I still wonder why I wasn't involved in an accident.
I waited until my tears had dried before I went back into the house. I'm not gonna call it home. Not anymore. Home is where the heart is. Corny, I know. But it feels like my heart is in LA. With him, keeping him sane and safe, keeping me sane and safe.
The days after I came back felt unreal to me, like a nightmare you can't wake up from. I wanted to die all over again. But meeting him, my Angel, cleared my mind. I want to go on living. Simply because I want him. And I'll get him back. Promise.
Until then I'll be strong, I'll live and fight. I'll do it for him. No more letting myself be pushed around or into relationships that will never work out. I finally realised there's only Angel for me. He's the other part of me. If I can't have him, I won't take anybody else.
Dedicated to: The circle - I love you, girls! You're a great pack! Sarah- Need some cheering up again? *evilgrin* Remember what I said last night? When I was cave-person? *lol* All the others who sent me feedback so far-thank you so much, you make my day.
Feedback: Yes, please.
Part 4
We found out I'm almost broke. Anya suggested I should charge for slaying. That idea wasn't so bad, but I wouldn't charge the ones I save. No, I'm gonna charge the Council. For not respecting me, for not helping Angel, for making my life hell, for putting me through that damn test on my 18th, for firing Giles, for putting my life at risk day after day, and for saving their British asses and the world again and again.
I won't probably squeeze much out of the Council, but it doesn't scare me. I own mom's gallery now and I'll keep it. Sure, I don't know much about paintings, sculptures or masks, but I know a lot about weapons. So the gallery's gonna get a new section I'm gonna be in charge of. Yay me.
But I'm not gonna let work rule my life. I'll continue to slay and take care of Dawn, and at the same time I'll search for Angel's cure. Life will be ok and I'll love to live again. Starting with a hot bubble- bath and quiet music.
I shed my clothes and climb into the hot water. Oh, that is so wonderful. I feel my muscles relax and so does my mind. I sigh and close my eyes while the soft music is almost lulling me to sleep.
I call it Angel-music because it's so relaxing, calming, hypnotizing, and soothing. Just like him. Mmh, I wish he could be here with me. I always feel so good when he's near me and I can't help but touch myself.
Suddenly I'm shocked into stillness. No, it can't be. I look down and rub my eyes. No mistake there, my breasts are really bigger. Much bigger! No wonder all my clothes felt so restricting lately. But they'd never been so big. Not even when I was on the pill. Something definitely isn't right here. Why hadn't I noticed it before? I'm sure they hadn't been this big when I died. Maybe it was the spell Willow had performed? Could it make breasts bigger?
Right Summers, I giggle. I already see the commercial before my eyes: 'Bigger breasts without implants or operations. You just have to come back from the dead by magic.'
I shake my head. Maybe I'll ask Willow about it. I don't know.
When I'm finished I go to bed. Naked. How naughty of me! But I feel like it and grin. Damn, haven't felt this good in a long time.
I pretend the cold sheets embracing me are Angel and I start touching myself again, imagining he's doing the magic on my body, inside my body, making me come so hard all I can remember is his name. I croon it loudly and start over again… And again… And again… Till I'm sated, content, happy and sleepy. I sigh one last time and drift off to sleep.
***
Life is good. Except for the pain in my back, my need to constantly visit the bathroom even tough I didn't drink that much. To say nothing of the enormous appetite for… well… anything. Damn, just thinking about it makes me hungry. We definitely need a fridge here in the Magic Box. I think Xander would totally agree. Speaking of food, I eat like there's no tomorrow, makes me feel like I'm a big whale. But I'm still so thin. I don't get it. If I didn't know it any better, I'd say I'm pregnant. But I'm not. How do I know? I did three pregnancy tests at home because I didn't get my period.
Where was I? Oh yeah, life is good. Spike is annoying. Xander, too. They're constantly staring at my breasts. Anya looks jealous, but I don't care. I'm happy and content. Don't know how, don't know why. I guess, because I'm in control of my life for once. I really like my job at the gallery and I spend more time with Dawnie now.
I found out about her stealing. I was really mad at her, then we talked and I made her bring back the things she took. It was so humiliating. For both of us. And for a while she didn't talk to me, didn't even look at me. But we're good again. I guess she missed me. I definitely missed her.
"Willow, what did you do to her?" Anya points her finger at me while looking Willow straight into the eyes.
I blush. So someone else- not of the male species- noticed. Great, but talking about it with all the Scoobies is a little… no… too embarrassing for my taste.
"What?" Willow is obviously confused.
"Her breasts are bigger." Anya again.
"Huh?" Willow still has no clue.
"Look at her breasts. Xander certainly can't stop gaping!"
Ok, this is enough. I cross my arms before my chest.
Willow looks at me, then a little down and guiltily up into my face again, blushing beet-red. "I didn't do anything!"
"Hello, I'm still here. Can we stop talking about my breasts?!"
"Geez, she probably bought that new water-bra", Dawn explains.
Thank you.
"Oh", Anya exclaims.
"I go patrol." I announce before Anya wants to know about that bra- I don't know a thing about- and leave the Magic Box. I'm still hungry. I guess I'll have a snack first.
***
Ok, now this is weird and I'm totally freaked. I still can't believe what I did earlier this week. I must be crazy!
On Monday during lunchtime I went out for a walk and a chocolate cake. But when I passed the "Baby-Land" I stopped and stared into the window. All these little clothes, and shoes, and toys… God, it looked all so sweet and tiny I almost cried.
Then I went inside and bought two little rompers!!! What's wrong with me??? But Gods, they were so cute!
It felt like I was in a daze. I must have snapped. I really don't know what had gotten into me. All I knew I couldn't go back to work without buying the rompers.
God, I was even tempted to buy a crib! I'm really going insane! First, all these pregnancy- symptoms- even though I'm everything but expecting a child- and then this. I wish Dr. Callaghan was still alive. She would know what to do. I wish I could talk to someone.
I wish I could talk to Angel. But I can't. He would come here and that's just too dangerous. Even though I need him so badly. Damn it!
The next day I did it again. I went into the "Baby-Land" and bought two t-shirts, socks and a pair of shoes. Then I went to the park and watched children playing. Now, I'm addicted to it.
It's already Friday and I'm doing it again. I can't help it. I need it. Like food. Like Angel.
I want him, crave him, need him. I'm aching for him. I wish we could be a family like the ones walking past me or playing with their children. But I'm a slayer, and he's a vampire. Fuck! That's so depressing.
Without thinking I start stroking my belly. Go figure! That's when I notice the two wet spots on my shirt, right over my breasts. Oh my God! I'm frozen, staring at my breasts in wonder and shock.
"It's annoying, isn't it?" I hear someone say.
I look up into the smiling face of an older woman.
"You must put pads into your bra, my dear, if you don't want to change at least two times a day."
"Oh", is all I can say. "Thank you."
"You're welcome." She smiles again. "What is it going to be? A boy or a girl?"
Help!
"I don't know", I reply truthfully. Maybe I *am* pregnant. And before she can drag me into a conversation I abruptly stand up. " I have to change." I apologize.
"It's ok, my dear."
I run to our house as fast as possible, lock myself into the bathroom and undress myself. I'm dumbfounded. There's milk coming out of me. Yes, milk. This is crazy! I can't be pregnant! I did three tests! But I still don't have my period. To say nothing of the other symptoms.
Help!!!
I try to calm down and follow the woman's advice. After hiding my body behind wide clothes I go to the drug store. Somehow I even manage to call the gallery to let them know I'd take the rest of the day off.
***
Four pregnancy tests later I'm still not pregnant. I don't get it. Yes, I gained some weight, but my body looks like I'm in the first three months. Except for my breasts. Add the pain, all the cravings beyond my taste and the milk-thing, I'd say I'm in the last three months. How's that possible?
That whole symptoms-stuff must be a reaction to the loss of my baby. I still wish he was with me. But then again I wonder if such a desperate wish can make your breasts bigger and give milk, can suppress your period and create pregnancy-symptoms. I know I'm not normal. I'm a slayer. But the slayerness can't do such a thing, can it? Something hellmouthy is happening here. What else can it be?
God, I feel like I'm about to explode. Mentally and physically. I have to talk to someone. Not Willow. She's busy getting her life back together. She got addicted to magic after she had turned Amy- the rat- back and went out with her doing magic- and not only good- all week. It ended badly and now she's on cold turkey, cleaning the whole house and baking cookies like possessed. And she's hacking again. A big step back to normal if you ask me.
I think she's slowly coming around. I know how hard it is to get over an addiction. I spent months trying to move on from Angel. And even though I had other lovers I never did. Not completely. I see that now. I know that I can never move on from love, from Angel. He's what makes me whole, he's the other half of me, completing me and complementing me. But I hope Willow will make it. I'm worried a…
"Oww!" I double over and clutch my belly. "Damn, that hurt!"
I hate cramps and judging by their intensity I think I'll get my period after all.
***
Well, I got my hopes up too soon. No period, but more cramps which couldn't be cured with a hot bath. Ok, there comes another one and I scream. Damn it! The intervals between them get shorter and shorter. I know I'm not pregnant. But this is labour. I swear. I can feel it. I know it. Damn, that hurts. I don't understand why so many women want to have children. This is torture. Did anybody tell them it hurts like hell? I don't think so.
At least now I'm sure, I didn't imagine this. If my whole pregnancy was just an imagination, I surely wouldn't have imagined pain!
Dawn, Willow and Tara come rushing into my room. Great!
"Buffy? Are you all right?" Dawn looks worried.
"Are you sick?" Willow wants to know.
Tara stays quiet, looking at me patiently. Just like Angel. That's why I like…
"Oww!" I scream again.
"Buffy?" All ask in unison.
"Cramps", I reply, my face contorted with pain. "Really bad cramps." I'm breathing hard by now. "Fucking bad." They look at me shocked. I guess, I never said fucking before. But I don't care. I'm in pain.
"Were you poisoned?" Willow again.
"Nope."
"Attacked?"
"Nope."
"Magic?"
"Hell, I wasn't on patrol tonight! I've been here since lunch!"
Luckily, they didn't notice.
"Oh." They all say in unison.
"Can we get you anything?" Tara asks gently, quietly.
"Just kill me."
Now, they look as pale as Spike. That's a new one.
"I don't think I can't stand any more pain", I elaborate. "Pain-killers don't work."
"I call an ambulance", Dawn decides.
"No!" I object loudly. "It's over soon."
"How do you know?"
"Just a feeling." I can't very well tell them that I'm pregnant and in labour, but I'm not going to have a child. Damn the Hellmouth!
Later that night it's suddenly over. No more cramps, no more pain. Just peace. I wonder what happened. But I'm relieved nevertheless. I feel normal again. Now only my breasts have to get smaller.
Dedicated: To Sarah- my wonderful beta- you're a real honey. To Lucey- your fic "Checkpoint (Light Of My Life)" was so sweet. You made my night. *gg* To the rest of the pack- you all asked where the hell the smut is. *evilgrin* Patience, girls. It's in part 6 which you're gonna get when I'm back from Spain. Gods, I already miss you guys. To all the other feedbackers -thank you so much for giving me a happy. And last but not least to all B/A shippers- As long as we believe in them, they are somewhere out there living their happily ever after.
Feedback: Yes, please.
Part 5
It's been weeks since the birth- that really never happened because there's no child- but my breasts still give milk. I feel like a cow. I wonder what that's supposed to mean. Not the cow-thing, the milk-thing. 'Cause everything else concerning my body is back to normal.
I'm really a freak of nature. But that helps with slaying. And lately, there's something in the air. I can't define it. But it's coming. I can feel it in my bones.
The doorbell rings. I didn't think this something would be here so soon. Cautiously- even though it's day, but you never know- I open the door and find Wesley out there with a baby in his arms.
Can I say huh?
"Hello, Buffy!" he greets me quietly.
His eyes are red, his hair is rumbled, he's unshaved and looks pale. I wonder what happened to him. He never let himself go like this. As far as I know.
"Wesley, I didn't expect you." To come here and look so un-Wesley.
"Well, I would have called, but this is a matter of utmost importance." He explains.
"Oh, sorry." I open the door a little wider further and I motion him in.
He shifts the baby into his other arm and puts his bag on the floor while I close the door. Shifting the baby again he tries to take off his jacket and I see him struggling.
"C'mon, let me have the baby." I volunteer.
"Yes, thank you, Buffy."
I take the bundle into my arms and look at the sleeping baby. God, it's so cute, I want to cry. I wish it was mine. Mine and… no don't go there.
Suddenly it opens its eyes and looks at me curiously, its little hand reaching out to me. God, I want to die right here on the spot. But I don't. Instead I do as the baby asks. I give it my pinkie. When we touch I feel a surge of emotions going through me and I understand. I've been waiting for him! A tear rolls down my cheek. God, I'm so happy. I'm overwhelmed. This is a miracle.
"His name is Connor", Wesley interrupts my thoughts.
Irish, I like it. It suits him. "Hi, Connor." I smile and look at Wesley again. "You want me to take care of him." And it's not a question.
"Yes, but I don't want to burden you. It's just that I don't know who else to turn to. He's not safe in L.A. He's… wait. How did you know why I am here?"
"It's a long story. Do you want some tea?" I still expect him to be as British as Giles. But he doesn't seem to want tea. "Coffee?" I offer instead.
"Coffee, please."
I hand him the baby and walk into the kitchen. When I return Connor's asleep again, lying on the couch, still wrapped in his blanket, and Wesley sits next to him. I put the coffee down on the table and pour a cup. Then I sit down on the other end of the couch, with Connor between us.
I sigh while looking at Connor and stroking his cheek. He makes these indefinable baby-noises. I smile.
"God, he's beautiful." I whisper in awe. Damn, I forgot to congratulate Wes on his son.
"He's Angel's." Wesley blurts out.
My head snaps up. "What???" I'm dumbfounded. "Huh? How? Who?" And now I'm enraged, too. Angel has someone else. How dare he???!!!
Connor starts to cry.
"Shh." Wesley and I croon while I'm caressing Connor's head and Wesley gives him his finger to hold onto. It seams to work, because he's slowly stilling again and closing his eyes.
Oh god, this cute little bundle in front of me is Angel's son! A son he has with someone else. I start to weep. I lost Angel to another woman because she can give him a child. She makes him happy. OH MY GOD!!!
"He's evil again." And I'm insane with jealousy. "Who did it? Was it Cordelia?" I demand to know. So I can torture and kill that bitch. Nobody touches my man! Great, now I devolved into cave-slayer again.
And again I made Connor cry. Damn it! I probably suck at being a mother.
Wesley takes Connor into his arms to rocks him. "He's not evil. It's not what you think." He tries to calm me.
I stand up and start to pace. See, what a hopeless Angel- fanatic I am? I already imitate one of his trademarks. "Not what I think? You can't tell me he didn't get perfectly happy! I know how much he wanted a child. That's why he left in the first place!" I rage.
"It was Darla."
I fall silent, dumbfounded again. And furious. He fucked Darla. His Sire. The woman who tried to kill me. A vampire! Fuck! Angel's really an alpha. He not only managed to knock me up, he knocked his dead Sire up, too.
Dead? Wait!
"Darla? But she's dead!"
"She was resurrected." Wesley interrupts.
"Oh." Go figure, they bring Darla back from hell and she's rewarded with a child by Angel. The man I love beyond thought! But I'm ripped out of heaven and what do I get? This is just great!
"Then how could she get pregnant? I thought all vampires- except Angel of course- are dead inside?!"
Now Wesley looks confused. "What do you mean except Angel?"
Ooops. I didn't mean to tell anyone that. I'm sure I blush. "Well.. ahem.. the night he lost his soul… I got pregnant." I stammer sadly.
His eyes widen in surprise. "Well, this is rather unexpected. I never heard of anything like that." His brows furrow and then he is lost in his own world. "So it wasn't just a mystical event or night that brought Connor to life. It's Angel. The question is why now? They spent decades together and she never got pregnant. Well that or she killed it."
"I don't think she killed it."
Wesley looks up startled. "I said that aloud?"
I nod and continue.
"Angel told me he couldn't give me children. I don't think he lied. Not about that!" Well, at least not then. Now, I'm not so sure anymore. He didn't tell me his Sire was back. The bitch who wanted to kill me. The bitch he had a baby with. I'm angry again. He'd rather fuck Darla than talk to me? Oh, if I get my hands on him… And on her... Then I have an idea.
"Where's Darla?" I ask innocently.
"She's dead."
"Hello, vampire! I know she's dead."
"No, she's dust."
Damn! No torture, no staking. Life sucks. But I'm really curious now. "How?" I hope Angel killed that bitch. And then Wesley explains the whole Darla- mess, why vampires, demons, lawyers, and who/what else are after Connor. Poor little baby.
When he's finished I'm still a little mad at Angel, but I'm also relieved. He hasn´t found another woman. Thank god. Talk about priorities.
"But don't you think Angel can take care of his son on his own?"
"He… I… I really don't know, Buffy. Lately, he's behaving strangely. He drinks too much blood and sometimes he's a little aggressive, even to Connor. I don't know what's wrong with him. It really scares me. And I found a prophecy. It says that Angel will kill his son."
I feel sick. This is just another reason why I hate prophecies.
"Are you ok, Buffy?" He asks worried.
I nod.
"Are you sure? You look so pale."
"I'm fine." I pause. "Wes, do you really believe Angel could kill his son?"
"No, of course not. Angel would never do that. I'm more worried about what this prophecy doesn't say."
"Huh?"
"What if it's not talking about Angel, but Angelus?"
I wince, but motion him to continue.
"What if it doesn't mean kill, but turn?"
"Why would Angelus want to turn a baby. Not that I like that idea. But babies are too helpless."
"Let me explain. Angelus tried several times to create the perfect Childe. A Childe after his own image. A monster that would rival his viciousness, a…"
"Ok, stop, I get the picture. He never found the perfect Childe, I guess?"
"Perfect, no. Almost perfect, yes, maybe. But that doesn't matter anymore. He's dead. So let's get back to the present. What I fear is Angelus will again try to create a Childe that mirrors him. And who's better than his own flesh and blood? I think Angelus will gladly raise his son and when he's old enough he'll turn him."
"Then why did you bring Connor here? He's not safe with me! How can I protect him? Last time Angelus was here he wanted to send the world into hell. It didn't matter that I was pregnant with his child!"
"Buffy, you don't understand. He wanted to send the world into hell, not you."
"Huh?"
"He wanted to take every thing from you, your family, your friends, your hope, so the only thing left to you would be him and his child growing inside your womb. He knew sooner or later you would have come to him."
"I would never…" I begin to protest, but he interrupts.
"Yes, you would."
"No!"
"You would have done anything to protect your child, even if it meant asking Angelus for help. I don't blame you, Buffy. After all, he would have been the only one who could have protected you and your child."
"No, he's a bastard, a killer, a…"
"That he may be. But did he ever kill you?"
I shake my head no.
"Did he ever hurt you? Really hurt you physically? And I don't mean the first few days after his return."
I start thinking. Maybe this one time when I had the flu? No, that didn't hurt much. I was only out of game. And after that… Nothing. "Except when he tried to awake Acthla, no. But he hurt me nevertheless. He killed Jenny."
"Survival instinct. And I don't mean to approve of what he did. I want you to understand."
"Understand what?"
"That Connor is safe because he is with you. Angelus would never hurt you, never mind kill you."
"How would you know?" I'm far from convinced.
"I read his journals."
"He… he kept journals?" I never figured Angelus for the diary-type. This is shocking.
Wesley nods, but looks a little ashamed. I wonder what he found in them. No, I really don't want to know. What's more important: "How did you get them?"
"Angel gave them to me after a small Angelus- incident. He wanted me to understand what motivates the demon, what his intentions are."
"Angelus-incident?" Please no.
"Angel was drugged and Angelus had control over the body for some hours."
"Oh. But he didn't…"
"No, he didn't kill anybody."
"Thank God." I exhale a breath I've been holding for God knows how long. "So, you're really sure Connor is safe with me."
"Yes, at least until he's old enough to be turned. But I hope it will never come to this."
"I hope so, too. I really don't want to think about what could happen then."
"I know it is a lot I ask of you, but I didn't know what else to do. Except come here and ask for your help."
"It's ok, Wes, you did the right thing. I'll take of Connor for as long as you need me. Hell, probably even after that."
"Thank you, Buffy."
I smile.
"You said you got pregnant on your 17th birthday? What happened to the child?"
I wince.
"I'm so sorry. I had no right to ask."
"It's ok, Wes. I lost it." And then I spill the whole story including my death, heaven, my return, the not-pregnancy and its symptoms. God, it's actually good to talk about it all. Wesley nods from time to time and when I'm through he's deep in thought for a while.
I leave him alone and busy myself with watching Connor. I love him already. This cute little boy, with dark hair and blue eyes. I wonder if they'll become as dark as his father's. I can't believe it I get to have a part of Angel with me. Fate does like me after all.
"I assume you were connected to Darla during the pregnancy." Wes concludes.
"You're kidding, right?" I'm horrified. In no way want I to be connected to that Darla-bitch!
"No, all the events, especially Connor's birth, happened at the same time, Buffy."
I'm connected to Darla. Help! I'm doomed. Luckily, she's dead. But I still don't like it.
"I just don't know how or why." Wes continues. "Well, I will have to research this. Maybe Mr. Giles could help me?"
"Giles is in England. I don't think he'll be back any time soon." I say a little pissed.
"Oh."
"But I can give you his number if you want it." I try it again. This time with more enthusiasm. I hope it worked.
"No, that's not necessary. I believe Mr. Giles is busy."
Seems it didn't work. I can live with that.
"I think I better go now. It's time. I brought some of Connor's things." He gestures to the bag next to the wardrobe. "If you need anything else, call me at home. Here's my number." He hands me his card. "Don't tell anybody else that Connor's here. Especially not anyone in L.A. If you don't reach me there, try the hotel. If someone else answers, hang up. The next few weeks will be hard, but I'll call when it's over. If ever."
"Ok, but what do you want to tell Angel?"
"I don't know yet. Probably that demons overpowered me and got Connor when I returned to the hotel."
Connor starts to cry and Wes listens intensely. "He's hungry. There is formula in the bag. Maybe I should stay a little longer? Help you?"
"It's ok, Wes. I got the real thing." I blush. "I'm still fully equipped." I explain indicating my breasts with a look.
"Extraordinary." There's a hint of watcher-mode flickering in his eyes. "Goodbye, Buffy. And thank you, again. This means so much to Connor and me."
"I'm glad I can help Wes."
And with that he leaves us. I pick Connor up. "Hey, little guy. Time to eat."
Part 6
AN: Ok, I admit I got a little carried away. *wickedgrin* But hey, Buffy and Angel deserve all the sex and blood-play they can get, right?
Dedicated to: Sarah- Thank you soooo much for that heart! It made me feel like home while I was away. Lucey- I can't wait for the next part of "On The Road". The pack- I really missed you all while I was in Berlin. I'm so glad to be back. *grouphug* To everyone else who sent reviews/feedback. You really make me happy, guys! *** It's one of those days again where I'm restless. There's something in the air… I don't know what, but it's there. Even Connor seems to be affected. He's distracted, which is not good. He needs to eat and then sleep.
"Hey, little guy." I call him quietly.
He looks up at me questioningly.
"Yes, I'm talking to you." I say and smile.
He answers with a baby gurgle.
"Could you finish here? I don't want to sit here all night."
He seems to grin and starts suckling again.
"Thank you, Connor." I say, stroking his head before I give him a kiss on his temple.
Connor is now Dominic Nicholas Summers. Willow faked some records and now Connor…oops Dominic is officially mine. He's my son and I'm his mother. Gods, how I love it. I'm a real mother! The mother to Angel's child! I can't believe it!
I dread the day he doesn't need my protection anymore. I don't want to give him away. Ever. I know I'll have to, but until then: denial!!!
I never told my friends his real name or who his father is. It's safer this way. I simply explained that he's the son of a warrior, that his mother died, and that he's in grave danger. That's why I take care of him. I'm the only one who can protect him. I didn't give any further explanations, pretending I didn't have more information. They accepted that- well, they had to.
Now they all call him Nicci. And they love him. Especially Xander. He's so happy that he's not the only male in our little family anymore- he doesn't count Spike in because of what he is. It's damn amusing. Xander never liked Angel, but he loves Connor. And Spike… oh, this is even better. He hasn't realized who Nicci is either- probably because he smells more like me now than Angel- and he treats him like his little brother. It's hilarious and makes me want to roll on the floor laughing. But I don't. I don't want to spoil my fun by telling them. It's Connor's and my little secret.
But not everything is happy ever after. With Nicci here it was pretty obvious why my breasts had become bigger. It was the main topic on several Scooby- meetings. Thank you very much. They were convinced my body had been prepared for his arrival by supernatural means and they were ok with it. I was, too.
But you can always count on smart Willow wanting to know more. Meaning she needed to know why, pointed out that I'd been prepared long before he came and that a few days should have been enough. She did some research on the net and found out that even though it was possible for woman to breastfeed a child that was not her own, it only happened if the child and woman had already built a close relationship with each other and even then it took weeks till she could give milk.
None of that was true of me. So she guessed I had a connection to his mother. Argh!!! That was really not what I wanted to hear. Just thinking about that bitch makes me sick. I told Willow it was impossible, I wasn't even related to her. The only connection we had was Angel, but I didn't tell anyone. It seems I had emphasized my point it a little too strongly- not that I mind- because Willow never brought the subject up again. Thank you.
But that's not the only problem I had. I never knew being a mother could be so hard. Don't get me wrong I love it. But sometimes it just drains you completely. It took me whole two weeks to figure out which of Connor's cries meant "feed me", "change me", "just hold me", "play with me", or "I don't want to sleep right now".
And sometimes he just cried for no apparent reason. There was nothing I could do. I felt so helpless! Me! The slayer! Luckily, I figured it out. He misses Angel, just like I do. Then we both snuggle into his father's old leather jacket- which surprisingly still smells like him- and Nicci immediately stops to cry. He always sighs contentedly, which calms me down. It never takes us long to fall asleep.
And I desperately need sleep. He really knows how to keep me awake. Either I have to feed him or something else bothers him. But I guess he needs a little more attention because his father is gone. Unfortunately, it has really taken a toll on me. I feel like a walking zombie. Thank god, my friends help.
I don't go slaying that often anymore. I can't 'cause when I'm too far away from Connor, I can't feel the bond between us anymore. I can't stand it. It makes me sick- physically and emotionally.
So my friends go on patrol. Surprisingly, there are less demons than before. It's great. Feels like the holidays I never had. Slaying was always an everyday job. Now it's not. Which is great because I'm a 24/7 mom. And I love it.
Did I mention that Xander built Connor a crib of wood? That's so cute. I wonder if he'd do the same if he knew whose son is sleeping in my room. I wonder if they all would feel the same. Maybe they'll never know. Who am I kidding? He's Angel's son. Sooner or later they will see it. He has already Angel's nose and lips. And who knows what else of that DNA cocktail will make him look like his father. If he'll have the same deep chocolate eyes I could drown in? But it takes over half a year for the eye color to change, if it ever does. But I can still hope, right?
Suddenly I'm pulled from my thoughts by a crack and a loud thud from the outside.
"What the hell…?"
Ooops, no swearing in front of the kid. I almost forgot.
I cradle Connor closer to my chest and walk to the window. A dark figure gets up form the ground and leaves. Mesmerized I watch his back. Angel. Oh, oh. What is he doing here? Does he know? But how? Can he feel it? Smell it? I need to find out.
"Connor, I need to talk to your dad." I say as I walk back to his crib and put him in. "Please be a good boy. I'll be back soon, ok?"
He yawns and closes his eyes. I put my clothes back into their rightful place and leave my room through the window to track Angel. When I land on the grass with a quiet thud I suddenly know what this noise earlier was all about. I have to bite my tongue to stop me from laughing out loud. This is hilarious. Angel fell off a tree. Gods, what I would give to have seen this.
*** I think I've lost him. Although I can still feel him near, so I look around and… gasp. It's the alley where we first met. And before I can think even further I'm pressed against some crates, trapped in the tight embrace of his arms and my mouth claimed by his tongue and lips.
OhGodohGodohGodohGod.
Is this really happening?
I feel a cold hand sneaking beneath my sweater and stroking my back while the other hand rests on my hip, holding me in place. Goosebumps appear all over my skin. God yes, this is happening. I moan into his mouth, battle with his tongue for domination and clasp my arms around his neck. Has anybody seen my legs? They're so jelly I can't feel them anymore. Who cares! As long as I have this tingling in my belly and this burning between my thighs. Angel, please help me!
I suddenly feel light-headed and he leaves my mouth. I didn't even notice air became an issue. Oh god, now I need even more because he's kissing his way down from my jaw to my neck- which is as sensitive as a vampire's.
With the difference that it creates deep terror in me when a vamp's near. My slayer sense goes off, alerting me to the danger of being bitten, urging me to stake my enemy. But I don't. I remain perfectly still, my whole body tense. The terror inside me rising so high it almost becomes painful. My heart slams in my chest and the rush of adrenaline through my veins is so powerful I feel my control slowly slipping.
I'm ready to strike, overpower the vamp who holds me in his grip. But I don't. I know this vampire. I belong to him. He claimed me. That's why the fear mixed with the love for him is such a heady combination I'm aroused to the point of no return. He's the only one.
His lips touch my scar gently and I moan loudly, arching helplessly into his body. When he licks the scarred tissue roughly I jump up, lock my legs around his waist and rock against the bulge in his pants, desperate for release. He growls in approval and now I'm really dripping. I get my reward, he scrapes his fangs along my- his- mark. But I need more.
"Please!" I beg because I'm almost there.
He complies, sinks his fangs into my flesh and drinks, renewing his claim.
Yes! Yes!! Yesss!!!
I come so hard I think I'll pass out. But my sweet Angel won't let me because he knows I can take much more.
"Buffy, stay with me!" He demands gently, in his deep sexy voice.
Gods!
To make sure I do as he wants he rubs two fingers against my satin covered clit. I suck in my breath. Damn when has he gotten there?
I buck against him and he kisses me again, thrusting his tongue into my mouth, just to retreat it seconds later and push it in again, and out, and in and out. It's a promise of what is to come. But I want it now and claw at his back, desperate for some kind of... hold? Control? Whatever! Never needed it anyway when I was with him. I won't start now.
I am so close. Of course he knows and strokes me harder, faster, swallowing my cries of pleasure with his mouth. Then a final pinch and I shatter again with his heavenly scent all around me.
He holds me to him as I ride out my orgasm. His hand leaves my pants. Damn! But the other is soothingly combing through my hair before it leaves this place, too. I lean heavily against his chest while he's removing his leather coat.
"I'm not cold." I murmur in protest.
I'm hot. Damn hot.
He chuckles. I guess he's something else planned after all. He kneels down in front of me, takes my right foot into his hand and pulls of my shoe. Then he switches to the left and before I know it I'm barefoot, my soles on the cold, rough ground. But I don't feel the coldness because his hands are on my hips now, his fingers beneath the waistband of my jeans and then he pulls them down, tantalizingly slow. He kisses me through my soaked panties, right on my swollen bundle of nerves and I arch helplessly into him.
"More!" I beg.
"Soon." He promises and helps me stepping out of my pants.
His hands slide up my legs, caressing and lightly kneading my flesh until he reaches my panties and I gasp. He pulls them down, even slower, but this time he rains kisses all over my exposed flesh.
OhGodOhGodOhGod.
He sucks my clit and I grab his shoulders to keep me standing.
"Not God." He chuckles.
I didn't even realize I said that loudly.
Then he stands up and I groan in frustration. He just smiles devilishly, lifts me up and sets me down on the crate. Which is suddenly so soft. Ah, there has the coat gone to. I'm sitting on its lining. Mmhh, satin. I love it just as much as silk. Since I've been with Angel my underwear only exists of these two fabrics. Nothing feels better on my skin. Most importantly it reminds me of him.
"Feels good?" He asks, smiling.
I moan a yes and rub against the material as he leans in to softly brush my lips. It soon escalates into a hungry kiss. I spread my legs and he steps in between so we can get closer. I want to feel my naked breasts against his silk shirt and attempt to pull off my sweater. But he stops me and shakes his head no. I look at him, not understanding.
He distracts me with the bulge in his pants pressing into my cleft. For the first time I realize his pants are leather. I know that's of significance. But why? I can't remember and I can't do nothing but rock against him, smear him with my arousal and scent before I draw him in for another ravishing kiss. My hands wander over his body, coming to rest on the buttons of his shirt.
He breaks our kiss. "Not… yet." He pants and pushes the uppermost crate a little backwards.
"Please?" I whine, trying to convince him otherwise.
But he shakes his head and gets down on his knees again. Eye- level with my v. I blush although he's done this before.
His fingers close around my ankles. "Support yourself with your hands." He rumbles, clearly affected by the sight before him.
I do as he says- more than willingly- while he lifts my feet up, bending my legs until my soles are positioned on the penultimate crate. I curiously look down at him as he inhales deeply. Gods, I can almost see his mouth watering. And then he leans forward, his tongue sneaks out I the process before it touches my outer lips.
OhGodOhGodOhGodOhGod.
He licks me in circular motion and goes deeper to my inner lips, grazing them with the same attention, a mixture of softness, wetness and pressure until he plunges his stiffened tongue deep inside.
I close my eyes. This is too much. My head falls backwards as I buck against him, urging him to thrust harder, to make me come. His nose rubs against my clit with each push. Harder, faster, deeper…
"Angelll!" I explode into orgasm and fall back onto the crate, breathing heavily.
But I have no time to rest. He attacks my sex again, kissing licking, eating, drinking me down, sucking my clit into his mouth, circling it with his tongue as he pushes a finger inside me. I arch against his face, but can't manage to sit up. One of my hands- I don't even know which- travels down my body, burying itself in his soft, gel-free hair, caressing his scalp. The other sneaks under my sweater in the meantime, giving special attention to my painfully erect nipples that Angel strangely avoided. Luckily the material of my bra is so thin I don't have to struggle with opening it.
He pushes a second finger inside me and starts a smooth rhythm of thrusting in and out while at the same time he sucks me even harder. I grab his hair more tightly, feeling the waves of complete pleasure crashing me. I leave my nipples and claw into the crate with my fingernails, preparing myself for the ultimate release.
"Come for me, Buffy." He whispers, but I hear him well enough, the sweet seductive pull of his voice.
He takes my clit between his teeth, bites down gently and I lose myself in a haze of bliss.
My legs- not able to hold themselves anymore- slide down, my hand falls from his head onto my tight thigh and the other hangs limply down the pile of crates. I open my eyes again and see him watching me carefully, checking if I'm ok. Smiling, I reach out to him and his gaze turns into hunger as he bents down to kiss me. One hand props his weight, so he won't crush me- always careful, my Angel- the other reaches behind my neck and then he cradles my head in his palm while he plunges his tongue deep inside my mouth.
I thought I was sated after the last round, but I feel my desire stir again, hungry for him.
Always.
I open his buckle with both hands, lower the zipper and reach inside, fully expecting to be hindered by his boxers. Instead his cock springs into my hand. I gasp in surprise.
Wicked. Wicked.
I guide him to my entrance, push myself forward onto his shaft. He growls in approval and we begin a slow, synchronous rhythm, building it up with each following thrust. I lock my legs around his hips, holding him prisoner to our passion. The hand supporting his weight crawls under my back and he pulls me into sitting position.
"Look at me!" He growls seductively.
I open my eyes and gaze into his golden orbs, filled with hunger, lust and…
"I love you." He declares, still deliciously pumping in and out of me.
"I love you." I promise.
And he lunges for my throat, piercing my skin- his mark- with his fangs, his lips closing around the reopened scar. I buck into him with full slayer strength and he loses it completely, spilling inside of me. I scream out my release.
I think I'm floating, floating into darkness.
*** When I come to I'm cocooned in soft pillows and warm sheets. I feel his lips brushing my forehead. Such a soft kiss. I want more of this.
"He looks just like you." He says.
Like me? Huh? Who?
Connor starts to wail and I open my eyes. I'm in my room, bathed in the golden light of candles and Angel's already climbing out my window.
God… no!!!
"Angel!" I scream, but he doesn't turn around and I jump out of my bed. Try to anyway. I get tangled up in the sheets and fall down to the ground.
"Angel!" I shout again as I get up and hurry to the window.
He's already across the lawn. Without a second thought I jump down the roof, land unharmed on the grass and race after him, still screaming his name. He gets into his car- how did it appear?- and drives off. I run after him and he just drives faster, taking a sharp turn. He's leaving and I scream and cry in agony, breaking down in the middle of the street, tears falling from my eyes like rain.
Now, I know. Now I understand why he came back, why we made love in this alley, why neither of us cared about the state of his soul. This was the final goodbye. Because he can't be with me, because he lost his son, because he thinks I have my own child, with another man.
"But he's your son." I sob.
Gods, I did this to him. It tears me apart, claws at my insides like acid. I'm so disgusted with myself I throw up and then I feel a hand on my shoulder.
"Buffy?" Willow asks worried.
I look at her with my tear-streaked eyes and wipe my mouth with the sleeve of my sweater. That's when I realize I'm in my pants again. Was this all a dream? I shift slightly and feel my oversensitive clit rub against the inside of my jeans. Nope, definitely not a dream. Which means Angel's really gone. I break into tears again.
"Come on, Buffy, let's get you home." She says softly and helps me up.
I lean heavily against her as we walk back into the house.
*** Connor's crying in Dawn's arms. She's unsuccessfully trying to calm him with walking up and down in the living room. But he doesn't stop as usual. I dive for him, almost tearing him from my sister's arms. She gives him willingly, somehow sensing my need to hold him, to take comfort in him. I cradle him against me, sobbing: "Connor, I'm so sorry. " I rock him and kiss his head, once, twice. "I couldn't make him stay. I'm so sorry."
He cries even more as if he really understood what I said.
"I'm so sorry." I apologize again and break down once more, clutching Connor to my chest, so he won't fall. I'm sitting on the floor now and we're crying our pain out.
"Buffy, what's wrong?" Dawn asks, kneeling in front of me.
But I don't talk. I can't.
Hours later I'm still on the floor, Connor in my arms, sleeping. My vision's still blurry, but I don't have any tears left. Willow and Dawn are lying on the ground. I guess they watched over us until they fell asleep.
Not wanting to disturb their peaceful slumber I leave the room and head for the kitchen. I need to know where Angel's gone. So I call Wes. Nothing. Not even the Angel Investigations knows where's gone and I'm worried sick.
"Angel, where are you?" I whisper and Connor wakes up.
Part 7
Dedicated to: Sarah- You're a real sweetie. Thank you so much for the beta. The pack- you're crazy, but that's what I love about you. *grouphug* Jule- Great work you did on your site! To everyone else who sent reviews/feedback. You really make me happy, guys!
***
Between feeding Connor, changing his diapers, playing and snuggling with him I terrorize AI- at least ten times a day- with my phone calls. I always ask the same question: "Where's Angel?"
And I always get the same response: "We don't know."
Needless to say I'm in an even worse shape than the weeks following my resurrection. Back then I still had hope. Now I don't know. I fear Angel's gone. My family- namely Dawn, Will and Tara- have to force me to eat and I do. For Connor. But I'm never hungry, always worrying about Angel and his son.
Yes, I wanted Connor to be mine forever so badly, but not at this price. I think I caused Angel's disappearance with my need to have Angel's child. Will I ever see him again?
The times I call Connor Dominic or Nicci become less frequent. It feels better this way. Of course Dawn and Will noticed right after my breakdown and asked because they were worried. I told them everything, even a PG-version of my meeting with Angel in the alley. I'm so glad they understand and it's our little secret now. It feels nice. I don't want anyone else to know though.
Xander was furious enough when he found out Angel had paid me a visit. All he could say was that Angel was responsible for my misery. I didn't even try to make him understand that it's all my fault. I simply ignored him and opened the door for him.
Spike, too, doesn't come around anymore. I still remember the last time I saw him. It was the day after Angel had left me crying in the street. Spike came to my house- probably- for some quality time with Connor and especially me. He took one look at me, sniffed the air and all I saw in his eyes was hurt, betrayal, anger and defeat. He turned around, walked out and hasn't been back since then.
Good riddance.
But it doesn't make me happy. To tell the truth it doesn't cause any emotions at all. I'm still waiting for a call from AI or Wes, one of them telling me that he's back. But the call never comes and I spend hours at the phone- with Connor- as if it's my lifeline. In a way I guess it is. And when it suddenly rings I'm almost too scared to pick it up, but I need to know.
"Hello?" I ask shakily.
"Hi, Buffy. It's Wes."
"Did you… Is he…?" I break up, expecting the worst.
"No, I'm sorry, we still haven't found him."
I swallow hard, bite my lips to stop me from crying.
"I've been thinking about your situation." He continues and I don't say a word, just 'hmm' to show him I'm listening.
"And I expounded a theory. I'm not sure if it's right. That's why I wanted to ask a few questions about Angel and you. If it's is alright with you?"
"Shoot."
"Has Angel ever taken your blood before he was poisoned?"
"No, it was the first time he drank my blood."
"Ok, let me rephrase that. Has Angel consummated your blood? Even if it was just a drop? Maybe even before your 17th birthday?"
"I guess so." I say and think hard. "In the beginning he often vamped out when we kissed. Maybe I cut myself on his fangs. But I'm not sure, Wes. I can't remember being hurt and then there's the slayer healing. I'd probably never noticed because tiny wounds heal real quick. Why do you ask?"
He sighs deeply. Oh oh.
"Angel once told me 'It's always about blood'."
Haven't I heard that before?
"And it got me thinking. Assuming he cut you while kissing, he received your blood on a fairly regular basis, and since we know your blood saved his life before, it probably made it possible for Angel to father a child. After all vampires are sterile. And if Angel was an exception from that rule, Darla would have become pregnant sooner. Since she didn't, the only logic explanation would be your blood."
How am I supposed to respond to that? "Ya think?" I'm so not liking the Darla- comment, but I'm intrigued.
"Well, it's a theory. I still don't have any proof. Actually that's why I'm calling. I'd like to come over and take a blood sample from you?" He asks and I hear a slight trembling in his voice.
I shrug. "Sure why not." My eyes fall on Connor and he winks at me. I smile back. "But how does Connor fit into all this? I mean it's been years since Angel has fed of me."
"Yes, I know. I was wondering about that, too. I assumed he'd used all your blood to fight the poison. I really don't know. I hope to figure this out once I tested your blood and find the rest of the prophecy about Connor."
"Ok, let's do this then. See you later, Wes?"
"Yes, I'm on my way."
***
We're out of ideas how to find Angel. We- actually Tara and Will- tried a location- spell, but Angel was too far away. How come Will managed to bring me back from the dead, but can't find Angel? You can't hide from magick, even if you don't want to be found, right?
Anyway, we went to LA, but Connor and I made the spell go eerie. Dawn probably, too. After all she has my blood. So we three left, but still my witches came up empty. It ended in an ice cream filled girls' night.
Ok, not exactly girls' night since Connor was there, too. He didn't mind at all though. In fact he got a kick out of it. Ok, what guy wouldn't with all those breasts he got to snuggle against? I just hope he doesn't get a complex, living in a house full of girls.
But wait, maybe he will grow into a fine gentleman who knows exactly how to treat a girl? Hmmm, sounds good to me. But maybe there's no need considering his genes. Oh no, this didn't come out right. Darla was a whore. I don't want him to be a whore. Oh god, Angel wasn't better when he was human. Gods, I most definitely jinxed it. But Angel changed. Is there hope after all?
I really need to focus on this book again. We're- at the moment it's only me- searching for a spell to bind Angel's soul. Gods, I'm tired. I better go to bed and join the rest of my family in dreamland.
When my head finally hits the pillow I take one last look at my clock on the bedside table. 4:03 a.m. Damn, only two hours and Connor's gonna wake me to get fed. I think I'll take a nap with him…
What the hell is that sound? It wakes me rudely from my much-deserved sleep. No fair! Connor immediately starts crying and I get up to soothe him. Taking him into my arms I hear that sound again. Oh, it's the doorbell. I look at the clock. 4:52a.m. What ungodly time! I get downstairs, peek out the window and discover a rumbled Wes on the porch.
Oh oh.
I fling the door open. "Gods, Wes! What happened? Did you find Angel? Where is he?" I almost stumble over my words.
"No, we didn't, but I found something else."
"Oh." I say and mentally slap my head. "Come in."
"Thank you."
We walk into the living room just as Will, Tara and Dawn come tumbling down the stairs.
"What happened?" They chorus.
I shrug. "Wes was about to explain, but first we need coffee I think." I say and turn to Wes again. "Why don't you sit down and take Connor for a while?"
"My pleasure." He replies and looks at the baby as if he sees him for the first time, searching for resemblances to his father. I frown at that. Connor can't have changed that much, can he?
At last I disappear into the kitchen where I can hear them talking about Connor. When I'm back with a tray, I pour everyone a cup.
"We're all sitting, we all have coffee, so spill now, Wes."
He's a little tense. Oh oh, I don't like that look.
"Long version or short?" He asks, avoiding my eyes.
"Short. Straight to the point."
"You're Connor's mother, Buffy." He mumbles, but I heard him just fine.
"Come again?" I croak out.
"You're Connor's mother." He says, looking deeply into my eyes.
We all gasp in surprise and shock.
"You're kidding right?"
But he looks far from kidding.
"No."
Straight to the point, just how I wanted it. OHMYGOD!!! I'm Connor's mother??? Gods, how many times I whished! Is this real???
"Really?"
"Yes."
Forgive me I'm going to faint now and aah, there's the darkness…
I slowly come to again. Oh boy, I didn't know you could faint sitting.
Dawn giggles.
"I said that aloud?"
"Yes." She still giggles.
"Are you alright?" Wes' face appears above me.
"A little. I'm still shocked. I'm… Oh God, he's my son?! I can't believe it. 'Cause that's all I ever wanted. And now it's true and I don't understand." I break up and start crying.
Tara and Will hug me, rocking me back and forth to comfort me. Dawn's holding Connor, my baby.
"He's got your eyes, Buffy." She smiles proudly. "And your nose, poor kid." She says with a twinkle in her eyes.
"Wesley? Maybe the long version is in order now?" Willow suggests. "Not that I mind Buffy being his mom, but I think we all like to know how?"
"Yes, of course." He agrees. "I tested your blood, Buffy, and I found a component or let's rather say a gene I had seen before, not so long ago. You can't find it in normal human blood. It's part of the slayer package. I tried to figure out where I had seen it before, but I couldn't. So I looked at the results of Connor's blood sample again, hoping to find out more about him. And that's were I found this slayer gene."
"So, Connor is a slayer, too?" I want to, no, need to know.
"I really don't know. Given that slayers are only female, he might only be a carrier for the gene. I fear we have to wait and see."
"Damn!" I curse. I don't want my kid to face what I've been through. But he probably won't have a chance. I'm a slayer. His father is a warrior. How can he avoid fighting?
To break the tension Wes continues. "You have the same blood type. Still I wanted to be sure. After all it could have been possible that you and Darla have the same blood type."
Although I can't see it I'm sure I look mighty pissed. Wes smiles understandingly.
"A big coincidence, I know. But the world we're living in…" he trails off.
He doesn't have to explain. We all know about demons, strange happenings and miracles.
"That's the reason I asked a friend to run some DNA- tests. It confirmed Connor is yours and Angel's."
I break into tears again and my girls draw me into a big group hug while Wes holds Connor. When they release me, I take Connor back into my arms.
"Hey, little one. I'm your mommy."
He coos and giggles excitedly. Did he understand?
"Yes, I'm your mommy. And Angel's your daddy. Oh my God! We need to find Angel. We need to tell him." I panic.
"Breathe, sis." Dawn says. "And don't you think we should bind his soul before you tell him?"
I take a deep breath. "Oh-kay." I say and hand Connor over to Will. Then I take Wes into an almost bone-crushing hug. "Thank you so much, Wes." I beam, crying into his chest. Gods, I'm crybaby today.
He strokes my hair soothingly. "I'm so happy for you, Connor and Angel. We'll find him."
We celebrate the rest of the day until Wes leaves for LA. After all he's got different books to search for a binding spell there and of course he'll probably find Angel sooner. If he's still in LA that is.
***
A month, two weeks, four days and about 18 hours after I became Connor's mother in flesh and blood, I feel the tingling again. My Angel. He's near. I sit up in my bed and look out of my window, waiting. Always waiting for him.
When I hear him climbing up the roof, I jump out of my bed and run to the window. Just as Angel peeks his head inside.
His gaze travels up my body like a lover's caress. We lock eyes and I'm frozen, overwhelmed by the grief reflecting in his orbs. I grab his shoulders, pulling him inside, and help him to his feet. He looks horrible: broken, bloodied and bruised.
"Angel!" I breathe. "What happened?"
He crushes me into his chest, burying his face in my hair. "I couldn't find him. I couldn't find my son." He sobs. "I killed them all. Demons, vampires, humans. But I couldn't find my son." Now he is crying and I join him.
I bite my tongue to keep from spilling that Connor's here in his crib, that we both have made him, that we're a family.
"Shh." I whisper, stroking and caressing his hair and back.
"I love you, Buffy."
"I love you, too, my Angel."
Then he slides down on his knees in front of me. Gods, how familiar this is. My tears start to flow. He takes off my pj bottoms, then my panties and I suck in my breath. Oh god, how much I want this.
"Angel, what are you doing?" I try to get him away from me, but the grip of his hands on my hips is too strong. And this is dangerous. I won't help him lose his soul. Not when we found a way to bind it.
"Shh." HE soothes me now. "It's not what you think. I don't want to lose you, too." He gets up again, locking eyes with me. "I just want to feel like home."
He lifts me up and carries me to my bed where he sets me down. He arranges the bed behind me and I relax back into it when he's finished. I'm crying now, half sitting, half lying in the cocoon of my pillows. I want to tell him so much that he never lost Conner, that he's been here.
He crawls onto my bed, all the time looking at me, his eyes boring into mine before he lowers his gaze to my nakedness and I blush deeply. I can hear my heartbeat increasing, feel the desire burning through my veins. I curse myself. That's exactly what we need don't need right now. I press my legs together, but his hands reach between my thighs.
"Angel!" I say in alarm.
"Shh." He soothes me again and spreads me open.
And my heart does another leap. I can feel and smell the wetness coming from my core. He's growling in approval, his eyes glowing gold for a second before his soulful, chocolate depths look at me again.
"Trust me?" He pleads in a whisper.
Transfixed I nod and he settles between my legs. His broad shoulders open me wider and I can't help but moan. He swings my left leg over his shoulder and then his hands crawl up my side to rest on my waist. One arm resting on my right leg, the other underneath my left. Mesmerized I look down at him, see him inhale my scent so deeply I moan again.
"Home." He breaths in awe as he lowers his head onto my pubic bone, facing the window.
Ok, no love-making after all. I don't know if I should be disapointed or happy.
I bury my hands in his hair. "Angel, we found a way to bind your soul."
"I don't think I'll ever get happy again." He admits, his voice heavy with sadness and grief. My heart breaks all over again.
"Trust me, Angel. You will."
"How can I when I lost my son? And you?"
Huh?
"Why do you think you lost me?"
"I saw your child, Buffy. You moved on to someone else, just like I told you. I understand."
"No, you don't, Angel. Do you see another man in my room? Smell another male besides…" Oh god, I almost spilled it! I swallow. "My son in my house?"
"No."
"See, you haven't lost me."
"But I'm a killer, Buffy," He disagrees.
"I am, too."
"No, you're not. I killed humans the past few months."
I feel his tears on my skin. "Evil lawyers? Demon worshippers? A sect trying to sacrifice your son? Holtz?"
"All of the above."
"I would have done the same thing, Angel."
"Nooo, you're not a killer." He shakes his head vigorously, his bruises and cuts scraping against my flesh.
I take his head into my hands and make him look at me. "I sent you, an innocent, to hell to save our child." I remind him, crying.
"I'm so sorry, Buffy." He hugs me so tightly it almost leaves me without breath.
"NO, I'm sorry for killing you."
"You did what you had to do. You saved our child."
"But not for long. I'm sorry I lost it."
"It's not your fault. I made your life hell."
"No, Angelus did. But that's not important anymore. We have another chance, Angel, let's make it count. Let's bind your soul tomorrow and be happy again. Together, ok?"
"Always." He promises, still sobbing.
"Now, sleep."
*** I wake up at 6 a.m.- thanks to my internal clock- and I try to get out off Angel's embrace. But he won't let me. I shake him lightly.
"Angel, I need to get up." I whisper.
"Please, don't go." He murmurs.
"I need to feed Connor." I explain.
OHMYGOD!!! I said it aloud! Gods, please don't let him lose his soul now! Not when we're so close to binding it!
"Ok." He says, letting me go.
I'm still waiting for him to get what I said. But he falls back into sleep. Thank God, he didn't notice my slip.
I put on my panties again just as Connor starts crying.
"Shh, mommy's here." I soothe my baby and lift him into my arms. Immediately he stops crying and coos instead. "Are you hungry, my little one?"
He gurgles and I take it as a yes. "Alright, buddy. Let's get settled."
I turn back around and catch Angel staring at us, a longing look in his eyes. I know exactly what he's thinking. He wants him to be our child. Gods, if he only knew.
Connor greets his dad with more cooing and whirling arms, but his daddy doesn't recognize him. What am I going to do? This is breaking my heart.
Angel himself comes to the rescue. He sits up and turns away, giving us privacy.
"Do you want me to leave?"
"Nooo!" It's almost a shout. "You can stay. I want you to stay." I assure. "If you don't mind?"
Angel nods and I relax back into the pile of pillows. Then I push my shirt and bra away to feed Connor. He suckles happily. I close my eyes and relax, a smile playing around my lips. This is heaven. My little family.
Suddenly I feel the bed shift and then Angel's eyes are on me, staring right inside me.
"You're beautiful." He says awe-struck. "You both are."
I open my eyes and blush furiously. Gods, if he only knew. I really want to tell him. Right now! This is frustrating!
"There's so much I need to tell you. I don't want to wait any longer. Let's wake the others and do the ritual!"
"What about your son?" He reminds me I'm still feeding. "What is his name?"
CONNOR I want to shout.
"Officially Dominic." I say. And it's not even a lie.
"Beautiful name."
But his real name is much better, more fitting. After all he's his daddy's son. Gods, we need to get that ritual done. I switch Connor to my other breast.
"Why don't you take a shower while I finish feeding him and then we can go wake the others? Call AI to tell them you're back?"
***
We darkened the living room, so the sun can't burn Angel. He's lying on the floor in the pentagram Will and Tara had drawn earlier. I'm sitting next to him outside the circle, ready to burst all out. Dawn's on the sofa, holding Connor who's -no surprise there- sleeping through the action. Will's kneeling at Angel's head, a blue bowl with water to her right and one made of glass to her left. Tara is at his feet, a dark brown with earth to her left and a red bowl with a little fire burning inside to her right. Candles of different colors surround us, bathing everything into a soft glow. It feels cozy.
"We call upon water." Tara and Willow begin to chant.
"We call upon air. We call upon fire. We call upon earth. Elements please hear our plead for two chosen warriors of the Powers That Be. Take our offerings to let us know you're here."
Then Will continues alone. "One for water." She says, putting a heart-shaped shell into the blue bowl and it sinks to the bottom. "One for air." She places a burning candle into the glass bowl. The wind makes the flame flicker, then it goes out.
Tara takes over then. "One for fire." She lays lilies of the valley into the red bowl. When the flowers are burnt, she continues. "One for earth." She places a rose quartz into the brown bowl and it gets swallowed by the earth.
"We plead for the slayer." They chant together again. "We plead for the vampire with a soul. Please help us. Please bind his soul, to never get lost in happiness, true or fake, bury the demon underneath. We, Tara and Willow, offer our service for a long as we live, to ensure the undisputed happiness of the chosen warriors. Please hear our plead, bind his soul, bury the demon beneath. Hear our plead, bind his soul, bury the demon beneath. Hear our plead, bind his soul, bury the demon underneath."
With each repetition their voices go stronger, but my attention is focused on Angel. He's growling deeply, his eyes are glowing gold with fire. His fangs are buried in his lower lip, drawing blood. Is this supposed to hurt? He shifts fully into game face and starts screaming.
"Stop!" Angel rasps out, barely audible, but I can hear him nevertheless.
"Will, you're hurting him!" I scream.
"It's impossible. "Tara explains. "It shouldn't hurt." She's worried now as much as I am and both witches stop to chant.
"Angel?" I crawl above him, straddling his hips. "What's wrong?"
"Need to stop." He pauses to catch his strength. "My soul is already bound."
"What?" I shout.
"It's bound." He repeats.
Suddenly I'm angry. "And you didn't tell me sooner?"
"I couldn't remember until now."
Damn me and my irrational anger.
He takes my face into his hands. "I wasn't in hell, Buffy."
I collaps onto his chest and bury my head in the crook of his shoulder, crying. "Really?"
His hands glide over my back and into my hair. "Please, stop crying. I wasn't in hell."
"Oh Angel."
"Shh, it's alright. I was in the inbetween. I was waiting to come back to you and they said they'd bound my soul. I needn't have left. I'm so sorry."
"I have you back now." I pepper his face with kisses.
"I'm so sorry I forgot."
"Shh, it's ok. We can be happy now. See that little guy over there?" I point at Dawn and Connor.
Angel nods.
"He's your son, Angel. He's Connor."
Angel rolls me under him, jumps up and takes Connor into his arms. He studies him as I stand up to join my men.
"But he looks like you." Angel exclaims, looking at me again.
"He does." I smile proudly. "Because he's yours and mine."
"Really? But how? We never even…"
I smile. "I know. Ask Wes for the long explanation with test results and charts." I giggle. "Short version. My blood in yours, your genes and mine in Connor."
He is deep in thought now.
Oh no, he's brooding again. Can't have that. We're supposed to be happy now.
"That's why he tasted so familiar." Then he's beaming. "He's our son."
I nod.
"I love you." He kisses Connor's forehead, then mine and tells me the same.
"We love you, too." I talk for our baby since he can't.
"I'm perfectly happy." Then he bends down to whisper in my ear: "You think we can manage to be both present when we make another baby?"
I swat him on his arm. "Not so fast, daddy!" Though some practise might not hurt.
The End